Jack’s Story

Jack is our oldest baby.

Instead of bringing him home, I delivered him at 20 weeks.

I’m new to spilling my heart out in a way that feels extremely vulnerable and unfiltered. And I’m brand new to the concept of pregnancy loss.

To be a mommy to a little boy made to only live in Heaven was not the version of motherhood I signed up for. And as much as I try to live each day with grace and love and faith, there are still days that feel hard.

My pregnancy with him was beautiful. Yes, I was tired, and craved Oreos, specifically frozen Oreos, but I loved it. To be completely honest, I was a little bit scared to be a mom.

My husband, Brendan, and I are college sweethearts, and we weren’t exactly “trying,” but we weren’t “not trying,” either. I think there was a part of me that didn’t feel ready, that felt like maybe I wouldn’t be a good mom.

This is a silly example, but one if the reasons I felt this way was because Brendan is a better dog owner than me. He feeds him, makes sure he goes potty in the morning when I’m too tired to get up, makes sure he gets his anti-flee and tick medicine each month, and buys his dog food. What do I do for our dog? I love him and give him extra treats. It’s crazy how your brain can play tricks on you that maybe you’re not ready for the responsibility of being a parent.

When we learned we were pregnant with Jack, we were so excited. It was the Fourth of July weekend and I was about a week late. On our way home from being out of town with friends and family, we stopped to get a pregnancy test. When we got home, we didn’t unpack the car. I went straight to the bathroom and peed on that darn stick.

On a side note, my friend’s daughter asked me later, “Maddie, if going potty can tell you if you have a baby in your belly, what do you do if you don’t have to go potty? How do you know?” It still makes me giggle to think about her response. I love kids and their beautiful minds.

I was so excited that I went to the store the next day and bought more pregnancy tests to confirm. I didn’t know how pregnancy worked! Actually, the first test I took that day said, “not pregnant.” At that moment, my heart plummeted. I started crying and called Brendan right away. I then Googled it and learned when you’re early, it’s best to use the first urine of the day to test, and that I shouldn’t drink a bunch of water beforehand because that might dilute the pee too much to pick up the pregnancy hormone. I waited until the next morning to test again, and when it read, “pregnant,” I realized in that moment just how much I wanted this baby.

When I went to the store to get prenatal vitamins, and realized how overwhelming that decision can be! So many choices. So many price points. Brendan did research on getting me the best of best and ended up ordering one from an online supplement company. Again, he’s just on top of that stuff in a way I’m not.

I then called to schedule our first doctor’s appointment. I had a heads up from a friend that your first appointment isn't until almost the end of your first trimester. It felt so far away! Jack was the first grandchild on both sides of our family, and not too many of our friends have kids yet, so this was all new to us.

In the first few weeks of growing him, I napped pretty much every day. In fact, when our families found out, my brother, who is 10 years younger than me, started calling me a lot more, and he would intentionally avoid the 4 pm hour because that was my nap time. Everyone was so excited, and everyone was processing what it was going to mean to have a little baby around soon.

The 11 week ultrasound appointment was a dream. It’s forever going to be one of two ultrasounds that I went into it blissfully excited. Seeing our baby kick and bounce around inside me filled us both with so much happiness. We weren’t going to find out the gender, which it was too early to tell at that point, but I had a sense Jack was a boy from the start.

Between the 11 week appointment and the 20 week appointment, my biggest worry was if I was going to be a good mom. Then I started thinking to myself, “How would I be as a boy mom if we were having a boy?” I’m super close with my sister and felt like I knew how to relate to girls because of being a girl, but gosh, could I be a decent boy mom? That’s seriously all I worried about.

I started getting really excited about nursery ideas. My college roomie is wicked talented and I remember calling her to ask her if she would be able to paint a sea turtle for a baby nursery…and that’s how she found out I was pregnant. A few minutes later I told her that I wanted her to paint a sea turtle mural. The mural is now done (which is a story for another day), and it’s better than we could’ve imagined together back when I asked her to do it.

Around 19 weeks, Brendan had a work event where we got dressed up. He was so proud to introduce me, and it was really fun to have my baby belly poppin’ in a fancy dress. The morning of that event was the first time we felt Jack kick. It felt like popcorn was popping inside me! Brendan felt him too. I’m forever grateful for those flutters.

Going into the 20 week anatomy scan appointment, I could not have been more relaxed. I was taking my bougie prenatals, had cut out all caffeine, had been super intentional with eating whole foods and moving my body daily, and my baby bump was looking so cute! For the appointment, I still remember the outfit I wore…it was a sundress from Target that I felt like really showed my bump, and a t-shirt with little desserts & pastries on it that I tied in a bow on top of my belly.

I remember getting a few messages from friends wishing me well with our appointment, and truly just being excited. There was no way anything was abnormal.

We went into the ultrasound room, and the technician was so bubbly. She was commenting on my outfit, which I knew was on point. When the screen came on, I instantly sensed her demeanor changed.

I asked her how everything looked, and she said, “I’m just taking lots of pictures for the doctor.” Her throat was super dry. She turned the screen to show me his legs, and turned the screen back to her. I looked at Brendan, and he wasn’t worried yet. Maybe he was, and he was just being strong for me. She then left the room to go get our doctor.

It felt like an hour, even though it was probably only 10 minutes. I was trying to stay calm, but I already knew. When our doctor came into our room, she looked at me and said, “Sweetie, there’s no heartbeat.”

I think I was in shock. At first I didn’t cry. I just said, “What? How?” Once I started crying, she sat with me and Brendan and cried, too. Then she said, “You do need to deliver this baby. I have some things I need to figure out, so give me a few hours and I’ll call you.”

We asked if we could know the gender, and she told us they were pretty sure he was a boy. Our boy’s name at that point was Jack William, and that’s what we knew his name should be.

It was incredibly difficult to go home with him still inside of me and wait for her to call. I’ll save the details of his birth for another time. But boy oh boy, if you personally have been in our shoes, or know someone who has, please know how my heart goes out to you and your family.

I’m so grateful for the way Brendan and I stood up for each other. I remember feeling like, “everyone is so worried about me, but it’s a gut punch for the baby’s father who wants to take some of the physical pain away, but emotionally it’s just as horrible for them.”

Jack’s biggest gift for me was showing me I’m beyond ready to be a mom, and the confidence to know I’ll be a damn good one. Holding our little guy in my arms, I didn’t know what I was so worked up about. If God sends us another little boy, I’ll crush it as a boy mom. Or a girl mom. I’ll know I’ll do my very best and love them no matter what. He truly gave me the gift of becoming a mother and unlocking a new type of love I didn’t know existed.

After Jack, we were ready to try again. I’ll save the story of Jack’s circumstance for another time, too. Our doctor told us it would be best to wait 3 months before trying again. We did, and conceived right away. I was so excited and grateful.

Going into our 8 week appointment (we were going earlier this time), we were both very nervous. It was the same room where we learned about Jack, which was difficult. When we learned I had miscarried, and that it was the most common form of miscarriage (blighted ovum), it was devastating.

I had women reach out to me after Jack saying they had a D&C, but I couldn’t exactly relate to that, even though I was empathic to what they experienced. To have to go back for a second ultrasound to confirm the miscarriage a week later, and have a surgery, was an entirely different experience than Jack, but still very hard, and I can now relate to moms who have gone through that as well.

Please hear me clearly: we have an incredible care team. We are so very blessed to feel truly loved and supported by our doctor, nursing staff and genetic team on our side. I can’t imagine going through this without feeling so incredibly fortunate to be with them.

However, our journey to becoming parents is definitely different than what we thought it would be. I will never look at pregnancy the same way. I will always be anxious going into an ultrasound appointment. I need to learn how to trust my body again. I’m working on letting go of all of the guilt that I carry because my body should be able to do this, and I believe that it can, but it’s definitely a mind twist to have back to back losses. I’m letting go of the weirdness that my body used to look one way, but it doesn’t at the current moment. All of it is hard. All of it is messy. All of it isn’t going as planned. But it’s where we are.

I know this is just a moment, I know we will be parents. I know we will figure it out.

One of the things I’m most grateful for is the way Brendan’s mind works. I told him that I thought I wanted to start a blog. He told me he thought it was a great idea, and that he absolutely supported me, but he wanted me to wait to not take on too much. We’ve known each other since we were 18, and he knows when I do something, I go all in.

The idea of starting a blog and allowing others to read our story and connect with what we’re going through has been something I’ve felt guided to do since the week after Jack was born. Something that was the healing for me was hearing of other people who have gone through it and have had healthy babies.

When you’re 30 and you’re pregnant, it doesn’t take long for your Instagram algorithm to start generating pregnancy and baby reels. It also doesn’t take long for your feeds to populate with baby announcements, baby showers, and baby pictures. It’s not that that’s wrong, or that I’m even jealous, it’s just that my experience doesn’t look like that yet, and it can be isolating for someone to think that they’re on their own going through something that in reality, a lot of people experience.

Anywho, if you decide you connect with what I’m saying and plan to stick around to read more, you’ll figure out that I’m a storyteller and that I can have a lot to say. So back to the blog, I told Brendan that I wanted to write a blog to really showcase what this is like for both parents, not just the mom, and that I thought “Jack Frost Project” could be a special name.

About a week later he said to me, “I think the Jack Frost Project should be a foundation we start that helps cover the funeral and burial costs for stillborn babies. This would help both parents in a meaningful way during one of the worst moments of their lives.”

So that’s what we’re in the process of doing. The Jack Frost Project is in motion, and is projected to be ready late summer 2026. I’m so proud of my husband for being the teammate in life that he is, and coming up with this meaningful way to support other families as they honor their babies. More to come on that later, starting a nonprofit is a huge undertaking, and I’ll be sure to share updates.

Please don’t hesitate to reach out to me if there are topics you’d like me to cover. I’m an open book about all of our experiences with the sincerest hope that if you unexpectedly find yourself going through something similar, or someone you love is, our story can help them know that they’re not alone, and that they will be okay.

I do want to say that one more time if you’re reading this and you’ve received similar news. Let your people love you through it. You will be okay.

Sending frosty sparkles your way,

Jack’s Mom